Self Preservation Scrooge

I hate Christmas.

 

I mean I love it.  But I hate it.

 

I love the lights and the ornaments and ribbon.

 

I love Santa and magic and heart.

 

I love the spirit of giving and people walking around smiling at each other and generosity.

 

I love White Christmas and Miracle on 34^th Street (the original only please), The Year Without a Santa Claus, and Love Actually.  And I love the movie It’s A Wonderful Life with such affection it is as though it were a person.

 

Sweaters and snow and sleigh bells and Christmas music and Christmas trees.

 

I love those things.

 

But

 

I hate never having enough money to buy presents for all the people I want to.  And trying to get so much done into just a few weeks be it wrapping presents or sending cards or going around doing the holiday stuff that you can only see this time of year.

 

I hate when people you had no intention of giving a card give you a card and then you have to stress over whether you will look like an asshole if you don’t now give them one in return.

 

I hate those damn white skeleton reindeer light up lawn ornaments that move just slightly…  People…  They are creepy.  Not pretty.  Creepy.

 

I hate feeling like a jerk when I finally have to start saying that no, I would not like to donate $3 to whatever charity the store I am at is supporting because I’ve already given $3 twenty times.  They don’t know I’ve already given and given and given.  And I just look like a cheap bastard.

 

I always send presents late, if I remember to send them at all.

 

I hate the time and commitment it takes to decorate your living room, your lawn, your office, your tree.  You ought to be able to just wake up and find it all done for you.  It’s a freakin magical time of year after all.

 

I hate the disappointment that comes when you tell yourself that this year it will be better and it’s not.  Of course, that’s probably just my Christmas experience, not yours. 

 

There was a time in my family where every Christmas was worse than the last.  Major drama.  Major issues.  Major disappointments.  To be clear: Christmas sucked.  It’s leveled off, but remains a time of year when I feel the need to constantly be on guard for the Christmas curse.  And yes, that is what we called it.  The Christmas curse…  Being that we felt it necessary to name it, you might appreciate how it can be a little difficult.

 

If you are lucky enough, as most people are, to not have a Christmas curse then Christmas is a wonderful time of year if you have at least one of three things- a significant other, a close family, or money.

 

I have none of these.

 

While everybody says it’s not the presents that matter, we all know that to most people that’s a damn lie.  And we all know how good it makes us feel to give someone something that you know they want or that you know they will love.  It’s not that we are expecting extravagant things.  It’s not that we want to buy extravagant things for others.    But if you don’t have money it makes every possible gift an agonizing choice.  Even the little that you can do becomes a burden to figure out that you can do.  And then someone you weren’t expecting to give you a present gives you one and you’d like to give them one in return but you weren’t planning on it and so you’re whole budget goes out of whack if you reciprocate.

 

No significant other.  I’m not whining about it.  It’s just the way it is.  And all this lovey dovey crap is always better when you have someone to be lovey dovey with.  Nuff said.

 

And close family.  I love my family.  But there are few of them, they are spread out, and they don’t all get along with each other.  So I spend holidays trying to be careful about what I say to each to not make them sad or angry or uncomfortable.  And in the process it makes me a little sad and angry and uncomfortable sometimes.  I feel bad for each side.  And I feel bad that there are sides at all.  It’s a lonely feeling to be stuck in the middle.  It’s probably lonely on the sides to.  But in the middle you get to see what everybody is missing and if you are like me, someone who feels deeply and hurts for others, it breaks your heart. 

 

There are people in my family that I don’t speak to anymore because of disappointments of the past.  And while I know that my life is actually better without them in it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss a time when things were different.  Especially at Christmas.

 

And there are people in my family who have just been out of my life for a long time.  People I would welcome back in a heartbeat but who, for their own reasons, can’t be welcomed back right now.

 

We have few traditions, nothing passed on from earlier generations, no rituals to look forward to and bind us together.  A family is defined in part by those things.  How are you defined when you have no definitions?

 

On many holidays, but especially on Christmas, I see the facebook posts from friends describing the wonderful, relaxing, perfect day they had.  No literally many of them call the day perfect.  And I don’t begrudge them their perfect day.  I think it’s wonderful.  I’d like a little bit of that wonderful.  Just a little bit.  Just once in awhile.  I’d like to look forward to Christmas day, instead of feeling that familiar mix of dread and pre-disappointment. 

 

I don’t want to hate Christmas.  Really I don’t.  Because I love it at the same time (and isn’t it true that there is no worse feeling than not being able to help hating something you want very very badly to love).  Maybe someday I will get that chance.  This was not the year for that kind of change.  I have lots and lots of magic in my life.  Just never at the most magical time of year for all the rest of you.

 

So…  When I bah humbug a little too loudly for your taste.  Maybe cut me a little bit of slack.  I want to be merry and bright.  But I’m just not good at faking it.