2012- A Love Letter

Dear 2012-

We’ve had a good run.  Started off with a bang, stayed strong and steadfast for many months, and only began to question each other a bit in these last few months.  Such is the story of most of my relationships.

 

And much like those, we too now must say goodbye.  Not because it wasn’t good.  But because that’s just the way things go I suppose.  So know this is not a lament for the end but a love letter for everything you were.

 

Over the last year I have been given so many opportunities.  All of my major events were successful, and even when incredibly difficult my teams came together to make it happen.  Because that’s what you do when you do what you love.  I have never felt more sure of my skills than I did this year.  And I am not one to be sure of much. 

 

I watched friends cross the finish lines of marathons that I helped to make happen. 

 

I saw children fight Darth Vader and hundred of people meet their idols.  I became friends with some of those idols. 

 

I helped a movie premiere. 

 

I stood with nearly 100 Stormtroopers on Main Street USA. 

 

I got to go on my first ever cruise.  No, I got PAID to go on my first ever cruise and there I met two legendary Disney artists and a Hollywood producer who told me to call him if I ever get to LA. 

 

I helped cut ribbons and at one of those ribbon cuttings I, among other things, called the cues for OneRepublic to begin.

But my proudest professional moment was stage managing an event for the First Lady.  I worked side by side with people from the White House, and got to meet Michelle Obama.  And she was every bit as lovely as I had hoped.  I have never been more nervous to fail in my life.  And I didn’t.  And now, all events are judged by the level of pressure I felt then.  “Hey…  It’s not like it’s the first lady.”  ;)

 

And most importantly I felt I proved myself.  I was put onto a bench for a promotion and can say I feel that I earned it through blood, sweat, and tears.  Literal blood, sweat, and tears.  Not to mention 24 hour shifts, sleepless nights, frustrations, and some damn hard work.  I can’t wait for the chance to move forward.

I wrote two shows this year that made their way to the stage.  Both of which were incredibly difficult.  Both of which I am extremely proud.  The first consisted of monologues from people in the theatre.  My love letter to the theatre I called it.  And it was.  The other took one of my favorite subjects, Alice in Wonderland, and twisted into something new.  I have never been more nervous for a concept to fail.  I have never been more proud that it didn’t.  There were parts of that show that were transformative for me.  And while, for now, I need a little break from it, I know I will come back to it some day. 

 

I started this blog, decidedly uncensored and without rules.  Just the way I like it.

I celebrated Disney buying Lucas films.  This means nothing to many of you, but much to me.

 

I was invited by someone from the White House to a presidential rally and then watched my president win the election.

 

I gained a roommate but more so a confidante, a friend, a sister.  My life is better with Whitney in it.  Everyone’s life is better with Whitney in it.

 

The Corletts came to visit me, Diane came to visit me, Jackie came to visit me, Thea came to visit me, Eric came to visit me, Anthony came to visit me, Justin came to visit me.  So much love.  So much fun.

 

I became closer to many of the friends I already had but most of all with Aron who I love and adore.

 

My friend Rob, my partner in creative crime, married the love of his life, a beautiful wonderful woman whom I adore.

 

I spent countless lunches with Larry who might be the best listener on earth.

 

I got to see Danielle and Shane in their native Detroit.

 

I saw my favorite band, Blues Traveler, not one, not two, but three times.  And one of those times was when my sister, a single mother with not much to spare, saved her money to surprise me with a trip to Boston for my birthday. And then another surprise with backstage passes.  It was magical.  Not just because of the music and the excitement of being backstage, but more so for the time spent with my sister, time making up for the 10 years we lost.  I was and am humbled.

 

It was not all perfect.  It was not always easy.  And sometimes it was decidedly very very hard.  But in those moments I never felt alone and when I reached out to anyone they were always there.  The Corlett family was at the end of one of those reaches and as they always do they reached back with an open hand that shot right out of their heart without expectation or judgment.  And I was reminded again how lucky I am to have them in my life.

 

I resigned from an organization that I love because while it pains me still, I know it was the right thing for me.

 

An old love came back into my life which was good.  And then after a time went out again.  Which was also good.  Because this time he went out on my terms because I know what I need and that he is not it.

 

My heart was broken.  But it mends well.

 

I watched a friend come much to close to the edge of death.  For weeks I watched.  But then I watched her pull herself back over the edge.  And not only did she regain her life, I gained a family.  And somehow I knew the whole time that you wouldn’t take her from us. 

 

I had dark times, but I never, ever lost sight of the light.

And I was once again reminded that of all the things I have chosen in my life, my friends have been the best of my decisions.  I have very high standards of friendship, I know that.  But though they are high they are not unreasonable and the people I allow to get close to me never fail to be even better than I ask them to be.  They love me unconditionally, appreciate my sarcasm, support me when I cannot walk on my own, encourage me when I don’t believe in myself, understand that while I can appear to be a bitch sometimes there is (as my sister put it just today) a “mush pot of love underneath”, remind me that I am needed, hold my hand when I am afraid, listen patiently when I rant, are not frightened by my passion, and never ever let me feel crazy alone.  Of all the things you gave me, 2012, the understanding of just how damn lucky I am for this and this alone is the best thing.  Thank you for that.  Thank you.

I may have forgotten a few details; you were so very good to me.  And for anything I have forgotten I am sorry.  It is not because I don’t appreciate but because the abundance was more than any one person deserves.

 

I’ve heard many friends say how happy they are for this year to end.  I know the feeling.  Last year at this time as 2011 drew to a close I could not wait to flip my calendar and start trying to remember to write a 2 instead of 1 on the date.  I was DONE with your predecessor.  It had not been kind to me.  And so you were a welcome change.  This time is different.  2013 has already called ahead to let me know that it’s going to be a bit more difficult than you were.  I’m taking a deep breath and preparing, and trying to remember that so many difficult things in my life that I did not look forward to ended up being exactly what I needed.

 

And so that is probably it then, huh?  2012 was the year of receiving the things I didn’t even know I wanted.  I suppose 2013 may be the year to receive the things I didn’t even know I needed.  That’s harder on the front end (especially for a self proclaimed control freak like me)…  But usually ends up being better for you when it’s done.  I’ll take it.  I won’t always like it.  But I will take it. 

 

But just in case, my dear 2012, if you would be so kind as to phone ahead and let 2013 know to go easy on me, I sure would appreciate it.  Think of it as your one last act of goodwill.  And in return I shall remember you favorably and sing your praises.

 

Love always,

Me

Self Preservation Scrooge

I hate Christmas.

 

I mean I love it.  But I hate it.

 

I love the lights and the ornaments and ribbon.

 

I love Santa and magic and heart.

 

I love the spirit of giving and people walking around smiling at each other and generosity.

 

I love White Christmas and Miracle on 34^th Street (the original only please), The Year Without a Santa Claus, and Love Actually.  And I love the movie It’s A Wonderful Life with such affection it is as though it were a person.

 

Sweaters and snow and sleigh bells and Christmas music and Christmas trees.

 

I love those things.

 

But

 

I hate never having enough money to buy presents for all the people I want to.  And trying to get so much done into just a few weeks be it wrapping presents or sending cards or going around doing the holiday stuff that you can only see this time of year.

 

I hate when people you had no intention of giving a card give you a card and then you have to stress over whether you will look like an asshole if you don’t now give them one in return.

 

I hate those damn white skeleton reindeer light up lawn ornaments that move just slightly…  People…  They are creepy.  Not pretty.  Creepy.

 

I hate feeling like a jerk when I finally have to start saying that no, I would not like to donate $3 to whatever charity the store I am at is supporting because I’ve already given $3 twenty times.  They don’t know I’ve already given and given and given.  And I just look like a cheap bastard.

 

I always send presents late, if I remember to send them at all.

 

I hate the time and commitment it takes to decorate your living room, your lawn, your office, your tree.  You ought to be able to just wake up and find it all done for you.  It’s a freakin magical time of year after all.

 

I hate the disappointment that comes when you tell yourself that this year it will be better and it’s not.  Of course, that’s probably just my Christmas experience, not yours. 

 

There was a time in my family where every Christmas was worse than the last.  Major drama.  Major issues.  Major disappointments.  To be clear: Christmas sucked.  It’s leveled off, but remains a time of year when I feel the need to constantly be on guard for the Christmas curse.  And yes, that is what we called it.  The Christmas curse…  Being that we felt it necessary to name it, you might appreciate how it can be a little difficult.

 

If you are lucky enough, as most people are, to not have a Christmas curse then Christmas is a wonderful time of year if you have at least one of three things- a significant other, a close family, or money.

 

I have none of these.

 

While everybody says it’s not the presents that matter, we all know that to most people that’s a damn lie.  And we all know how good it makes us feel to give someone something that you know they want or that you know they will love.  It’s not that we are expecting extravagant things.  It’s not that we want to buy extravagant things for others.    But if you don’t have money it makes every possible gift an agonizing choice.  Even the little that you can do becomes a burden to figure out that you can do.  And then someone you weren’t expecting to give you a present gives you one and you’d like to give them one in return but you weren’t planning on it and so you’re whole budget goes out of whack if you reciprocate.

 

No significant other.  I’m not whining about it.  It’s just the way it is.  And all this lovey dovey crap is always better when you have someone to be lovey dovey with.  Nuff said.

 

And close family.  I love my family.  But there are few of them, they are spread out, and they don’t all get along with each other.  So I spend holidays trying to be careful about what I say to each to not make them sad or angry or uncomfortable.  And in the process it makes me a little sad and angry and uncomfortable sometimes.  I feel bad for each side.  And I feel bad that there are sides at all.  It’s a lonely feeling to be stuck in the middle.  It’s probably lonely on the sides to.  But in the middle you get to see what everybody is missing and if you are like me, someone who feels deeply and hurts for others, it breaks your heart. 

 

There are people in my family that I don’t speak to anymore because of disappointments of the past.  And while I know that my life is actually better without them in it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss a time when things were different.  Especially at Christmas.

 

And there are people in my family who have just been out of my life for a long time.  People I would welcome back in a heartbeat but who, for their own reasons, can’t be welcomed back right now.

 

We have few traditions, nothing passed on from earlier generations, no rituals to look forward to and bind us together.  A family is defined in part by those things.  How are you defined when you have no definitions?

 

On many holidays, but especially on Christmas, I see the facebook posts from friends describing the wonderful, relaxing, perfect day they had.  No literally many of them call the day perfect.  And I don’t begrudge them their perfect day.  I think it’s wonderful.  I’d like a little bit of that wonderful.  Just a little bit.  Just once in awhile.  I’d like to look forward to Christmas day, instead of feeling that familiar mix of dread and pre-disappointment. 

 

I don’t want to hate Christmas.  Really I don’t.  Because I love it at the same time (and isn’t it true that there is no worse feeling than not being able to help hating something you want very very badly to love).  Maybe someday I will get that chance.  This was not the year for that kind of change.  I have lots and lots of magic in my life.  Just never at the most magical time of year for all the rest of you.

 

So…  When I bah humbug a little too loudly for your taste.  Maybe cut me a little bit of slack.  I want to be merry and bright.  But I’m just not good at faking it.