She looks nervous.
Did they tell you what to expect? I ask.
“Sort of,” she responds.
I change seats, coming closer to her so the others don’t
have to hear the description of what they have already seen. She’s never been in an ICU before. She doesn’t know what she will see. If she can handle it. And knowledge is power, even when you’re
powerless.
She’s got a lot of machines hooked up to her, ok? But they are mostly just monitors. It’s a good thing. So they know right away when something is
wrong. And there is a tube coming out of
her mouth. That is the ventilator. What’s making sure she breathes. It’s about this big, maybe like a
quarter? And right now there’s a tube
coming out of her nose and sometimes some gunk comes out of it. No big deal.
It’s supposed to happen. It’s a
good thing. Getting out all the
gunk. And there’s a lot of other tubes
and wires and stuff, and those compression boot things on her feet and legs,
you know to keep it all circulating. And
she’s really swollen. But you have to remember that as swollen as she looks it
was much worse a couple days ago. So it’s
a good thing. I mean, not the swelling,
but how she looks today as compared to the other day. She’s in a good place. You have to keep that in mind. Ok?
She nods her head.
Thanks me for preparing her. She
still looks uneasy, but not so shrunken anymore.
One more thing, I say.
She’s almost at the end of the unit.
She’s in bed 25. You have to go
past 24 beds before you get to hers. And
you know how when you walk past regular rooms and all the doors are closed and
you can’t see the beds? This isn’t like
that. The doors are all open. You’re supposed to be able to see them, you
know? So the nurses can always see. But you, you don’t want to see. Ok?
Because there’s a lot of sick people in an ICU. But if you’ve never done
this, you need to not look. Because some
of them… Some of them are pretty
grim. But the girl you’re going to
see? The one in bed 25?
And for this I wait for her eyes to meet mine.
Our girl is not like them.
She’s not like them.
Do you understand?
She nods.
You can look on the way out if you want. It’s weird, seeing a stranger like that. But it can’t always be helped. But on the way in, you find a way to help
it. Look at the floor. Better yet, look at the nurses. Look at the strong, healthy people who are
taking care of the people here. Look at
how busy they are, busy saving people’s lives. That’s what they do here.
Do you understand?
She nods.
She’s not like them.
And you need to remind yourself of that all the way out. Because it’s true.
She nods.
It’s her turn. She
disappears for a little while. When she
returns she looks stronger. Braver.
Are you ok? I ask.
She is. Because she
looked at the nurses. Saving people’s
lives. And saw the girl, just as I
described her. And she believes, she’s
not like them.